Gender Bender Extraordinaire
by Mahou Dai-chan
Summary: Hinata takes a defected, recalled brand of soldier pill while in the treatment of the hospital…now she’s a he. And apparently, there's no cure for its tiny side effect... [ HinataHarem ] xDDDDDDDDDDDD
1. Soldier Pill Problems

…can't help it. I'm a nutcase. Poor Hinata…now she's a he. Just like Sakura! XDDDD

And I may love Hinata, but plot bunnies are truly evil things. I don't know how the hell this scenario would work out in real life, though…and the plots a bit unbelievable, but ah well...and the shortness is something I need to work on.

-------------------

It was a rather pleasant morning at the Konohagakure Hospital...well, mostly pleasant.

"Sakura! The soldier pills are out in the cabinet? Chikuso!" Tsunade snapped to her apprentice, while attempting to heal the bloodied Chuunin upon the hospital bed.

"Hai, Tsunade-sensei! Well…actually…never mind…" Sakura didn't need to tell her teacher that she'd actually destroyed them in a fit to open the large cabinet.

It had been locked, and Sakura'd been bitching so much to Naruto today (**_again_**) that…she 'accidentally' smashed her fist through the cabinet. Then she tossed it to the side and began pounding the thing, until all the full pill bottles were scattered upon the ground, crushed and now useless. And the cabinet was now rubble.

"Kuso! That's the third time this month! Some little shit keeps destroying cabinets, first it was my sake stash and then the Prozac, and now it's the soldier pills! " Tsunade resisted wiping the sweat that had formed upon her brow, pushing more healing chakra into the patient's body. She had already stitched up the worse wounds, but needed to stabilize the blood flow and heal the damaged internal organs, such as the spleen and the punctured left lung.

(_**A/N**_- Guess who the Prozac's for? Give it a guess. Its not that hard. xDDDD)

"Oh shit…that was the sake stash? No wonder you were so bitchy…" Sakura eeped once those words slipped out her mouth. Tsunade angrily craned her head at the pink-haired girl, left eye twitching and hands clenched into fists by her side, no longer attending to the patient.

"You. Did. _**That**_?"

Tsunade looked scary as hell.

The patient's heartbeat behind them stopped, signified with a long beep, and blood started squirting up an exaggerated foot in air from the unattended wounds.

Tsunade quickly turned to tend the wounds, using her chakra to form a safe amount of electricity in her palms, before slamming her palms into the patient's chest. Heartbeat resumed, and Tsunade began healing _again_.

"Hai, sensei! Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen!" Sakura bowed over and over, lying.

She really didn't regret destroying her mentor's sake stash…in fact, it had stopped Shizune from ranting about Tsunade drinking too much for a few days. "Demo…is there any that I can use for my patient, Hyuuga Hinata? She's really gotten her chakra depleted now from training, and if she doesn't get any from the pills, she may go into critical state…"

Tsunade twitched. '_Baka…how did she actual make it to a medic nin, as __**MY**__ apprentice? She hasn't remembered anything of the training!_'

"OF COURSE! In the bottom floor of the basement, there are two doors. Take the left one, and search through the shelves for soldier pills. And the door is locked, so take the master keys down there. And figure out which was goes into the hole. _**Got it**_?"

"Aa, Tsunade-sensei!"

Sakura quickly left the room, running down the halls like a mad man. She tried her best to dodge the nurses, swerving at the corners. Knocking down a cart, Sakura simply jumped out of the way, not bothering to help the person. Hell, she would've done the same thing on a normal day, so who cares?

'Tsunade-no-baka…that bitch is going to get it one day…'

Sakura gritted her teeth, pushing through hospital workers and patients as her pace slowed to stomping trot. Steam, at this point, was emerging from her ears, due to her anger. Inner Sakura was long gone, so there was no annoying bickering in her head and no reason to visit her psychiatrist any longer about voices in her head.

(**A/N**- Inner Sakura made Sakura a total fruit loop. Who has voices in their heads? That girl needed help! Well, besides my Hinata in High School Blues…no one! Well, Ino had an inner for a small amount of time…but still…)

"Sakura! Stop having a hissy fit! Dear kami, these patients don't need to be pushed aside, especially since they're wounded!" Shizune scuttled to help up an elderly man with crutches, TonTon at her heel as usual. She eased him onto his feet, before sternly glaring at the apprentice medic nin. "What do you think you're doing?!"

Sakura crossed her arms against her flat chest and made a protecting noise.

"I'm simply following Tsunade's damn orders!"

"Such bad language, Sakura! I expect better of you!"

"Hontou?"

Sakura proceeded to flip off Shizune, stick out her tongue, and walk off, shaking her ass. Shizune only sighed, rubbing her forehead.

"Oh dear kami…she's PMSing _again_…we're going to need some tranquilizers…"

* * *

"Okay…this should be the box…"

Sakura blew away the dust coating the box, looking at the large label. It said in kanji, 'Soldier Pills.' A grin spread across her face, once of her evil ones. She pulled a kunai from her pocket, slicing the tape the held the box closed, and pulled the flaps apart harshly.

A large puff of dust blasted into Sakura's face, getting into her nostril and eyes. She sneezed several times, only to disturb and bring up more dust into her face as a result.

"Kuso…**_ACHOO_**!"

Picking up the box from the bottom shelf, Sakura roughly placed it upon the counter, before brazenly shoving a hand into it. Wrapping her hands around on of the prescription bottles of special hospital brand soldier pills, Sakura did not bother to put away the box, but instead left it out.

Sakura left the room through the now doorless entryway, before pocketing the bottle and lugging the door up so that it stood once again. As long as no one touched it, no one would be squashed.

'_Damn it…why does Tsunade have keys in the first place? Breaking the door down is so much easier…_'

She performed several hand seals, before disappearing in a puff of gray smoke. Sakura reappeared in the quaint hospital room of her current patient, Hinata Hyuuga.

The room was a stereotypical hospital room, with a hospital bed with white covers that covered most of the fully clothed Hyuuga's form, white walls, white tiles, and a single wide window that allowed the morning light to slips through, only partially obscured by off-white curtains. It wasn't the most cheery place, but it was fine.

"Okay, Hinata-chan…open up!"

Sakura scurried to the Hyuuga's side and slowly moved the blankets out of the way so that her mouth could be seen, along with the rest of her face.

Sakura picked up a cup of water off the small rolling stand, and popped the pill into her mouth, before administering the water. She clamped her nose shut with her fingers, and soon, the pilled had gone down he throat, though the Hyuuga had spluttered quite a bit. Somehow, however, she'd stayed asleep, and soon resigned breathing through her nose.

Now, if Sakura had realized that the pill had come from the right room where defected medicines were stored before Hinata had consumed the pill, it would've saved a hell load of trouble for the Hyuuga...

* * *

**Hinata:** -fainted-

**Dai:** Oh shit...-fans her- I shouldn't have let her read the plot.


	2. Nurse SAKURA?

Odd chapter...kind of rushed, too...oh, and guy-ified Hinata will starring in the next chapter. And no, I do not know why the hell Sauske was walking with Kiba and Shino, nor will I ever find out...

Yeah...creepy chapter. Definately a reason why this story is rated T.

* * *

'_Damn it! Its been a week now, and she hasn't even stirred slightly! Fuck, if I tell Tsunade, she'll blame this whole predicament on me!_' 

Click. Click. Click. Click.

With each step Sakura took, pacing upon the tile floor, her high heeled shoes made a clicking sort of noise. Of course, she was far to busy trying to find a way to wake up her patient than to care about those new bright red hooker styled high heels she bought in hope to woo Sasuke.

Sakura had a whole nurse outfit on, actually. Not the normal kind that nurses at the hospital wore, but the more slutty kind that barely covered her nether region and at the top, it just covered where a cleavage would start. The reason why it didn't show any of her cleavage, however, was because Sakura had to stuff water balloons to fake breasts, and even then, she had to go for small water balloons because the outfit was so tight and anything that fit in a bra size larger than an A didn't work.

At least she now had 'breasts' that were no longer training bra sized now.

"CHIKUSO! She just won't wake up! Hinata-chan's lucky that her chakra is letting her stay in a state of frozen animation, or I'd be screwed! Last time I tried hooking up IVs, Tsunade ended up needing them, and then I was screwed! KUSO! I need to stop talking to myself! Isn't that a sigh of insanity? I can't be insane! No, I, future wife of Sasuke Uchiha, am not insane! No, I cannot be insane! I am not! I am perfectly mentally and physically sane! No insane-ness here! I will stop talking to myself…now!"

Sakura found it hard to stop fidgeting. Her mouth wanted desperately to open and talk some more, but she kept clamped shut, digging her teeth into the lower lip.

(**A/N- **Five…four…three…two…one…)

Sakura's almost nonexistent resolve broke like rice paper.

"CHIKUSO! I am so screwed! I'm dead meat! Ohnononononononononono…" She began rubbing her temples with both hands, pacing feverously in her high heels. The clacking became repeating rather quickly, Sakura's feet also stomping down into the floor instead of simply stepping now. "I am dead, once Tsunade-sensei finds out what I've done! What did I do, anyways?"

It was a moment where Sakura should have fallen already.

"_**WOAH!**_"

And just now, Sakura did.

Tripping on a random object, Sakura was sent flying into the hospital stand. Miraculously, however, it did not fall.

Instead, the large glass of water placed innocently on it tipped to the side, spilling onto the bed and all over the unconscious Hinata. Hianta had her sheets pushed down to her legs because of an examination Sakura had given her only seconds before she'd started frustratingly pacing around the room, checking to see if she'd awaken anytime soon, and to check her vital stats.

"Oops…heh…I'm sure if I just let the room air out, she'll just dry herself…"

Sakura stepped toward the window, making sure not to fall again. Fumbling for the string, she pulled it down.

The blinds did not move up.

The Medic nin twitched in an almost insane way, fingers curling in rage.

(**A/N- **Ya know, when your hand is about to close into a fist, and the fingers are all creepy looking-ish…augh, screw my explanation and figure it out yourself. :D Oh, and blinds are a pain in the ass at times.)

"You chose a really bad day to mess with me, blinds…" Sakura's eyes were filled with a frightful blaze.

_**-ten minutes later-**_

"All done!"

Sakura cheerfully announced, standing in front of an open window without any blinds on at all, grinning widely in a sinister sort of way. The afternoon shone through the window, lighting the once dim room rather well. A breeze drifted from the open window, though it was lucky that the hospital had screens as well or the summer bugs would have had a way in the hospital.

Several beautiful golden birds perched upon the large oak that was easily seen from inside the bleak hospital room, chirping blissfully upon the branches. They fluttered about, from branch to branch, savoring the warm sunlight.

"I hope no one is going to be up on the roof for a while…" Sakura spoke quietly as she left the room, making sure to lock it behind her.

Meanwhile, several stories up on the roof, one unlucky janitor discovered the mangled, charred, and horribly disfigured remains of once normal blinds. It was no longer white, but now ashen gray and obsidian in the fully burned areas. Smoke still rose from it, though the fire had gone out long ago.

"Not again…" He groaned. "Who keeps doing this?"

----

Several minutes after Sakura left, a shivering cold Hinata woke, in a daze. Accustomed to waking up in the hospital beds, she did not find anything fishy in her three fourths unconscious daze, and proceeded to remove her soaked jacket, before snuggling back into the bed and pulling the covers up.

She didn't notice the fact that her chest no longer had any elevation to it in the undershirt.

----

Sakura was, as usual, making a scene. Shaking her narrow hips over excessively as she walked, she looked like a fruit loop. In fact, she was stumbling all over the place because of her shoes, which made her look even nuttier.

Olive green eyes looked carefully around searching for one certain individual. And if you didn't know who he was, you must seriously need help.

'_Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun…_'

To actually learn why Sakura was thinking that, think of this. You see all those Sasuke-kuns? Well, pretend someone said them all within twenty seconds. Yes, two words per second. But this was Sakura's 'ability', and it was because she simly could stop talking, even in her head.

She could think Sasuke' name really fast in her head. No wonder she was so talkative.

Out of the corner of her eye, Sakura saw Sasuke's chicken ass hairdo. It wasn't really all that hard to see, as it stuck out five inches out the back of his head. Sakura knew this measurement because she measured the hair on the back of his head. Why? Not even she really knew why.

"SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSUKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEE-KKKUUUUUNNNN!"

At that moment, Sasuke wanted to die.

He stiffly turned, with a dark shadow hanging over his face that hid his black eyes. Kiba and Shino, the two who had been with Sasuke, turned around as well. As Sasuke caught sight of Sakura's outfit, the shadow on his face disappeared.

And then, he histerically began laughing, falling down on the floor. Of course, having never laughed past age seven, emo-boy only got some laughter out, before beginning to have a coughing fit.

"What's wrong, Sasuke-kun? Are you stunned by my breast size?" Sakura pressed the water balloons together with her hands, making sure not to pop them.

Kiba gave her a look that seriously said 'are you kidding me', and sighed.

"Those are fake." Both Kiba and Shino said at the same time, pointing to Sakura's chest.

Sakura faked surprise, before trading that look in for a fake insulted one. Her hands rested upon her hips as she attempted to look more legit.

"Oh, they're not fake! These are my real breasts, seriously!"

"No. One, you can't exactly grow breasts overnight, and two, I can smell the balloons." Kiba paused to pinch his nose, turning away. "And, man, I fucking hate that smell."

(**A/N-** Balloon do smell when they're fresh outta the package. I dunno if they lose the smell, but lets just say they don't. Kay?)

Sasuke, who had regained his composure (though not his dignity), simply nodded. Then, he began to devise a way to get away from Sakura, quickly, before she cause anymore damage to his reputation. Emos had reputations, ya know.

"How about I come with you to visit Hinata instead of staying here, Inuzuka."

Kiba was used to this _prick_ calling him Inuzuka without an honorific, and simply nodded. He had got Sasuke's drift, and wanted to ditch Sakura as well. "Lets go!"

With that, both males hooked arms together in a wierd way and ran off, leaving behind a ticked Shino and Sakura. Well, not for long, as Shino then began to walk away from Sakura, noting to murder the Inuzuka and mortally wound the Uchiha.

Sakura was too busy putting the water balloons back in position to notice anything. "Stupid things…augh…"

**POP!**

* * *

**Hinata:** 0.o 

**Dai:** -pokes- Liiiiiivvvvvveeeeee...

**Sakura:** -currently having a seizure due to anger management issues-

**Dai:** -shoves stick into Sakura's belly- She's convulsing, I'll tell you that. And foaming too...RABIES! -jumps away-

**Hinata:** -in shock still-

**Sakura:** -spazzing out-

**Dai:** -tapes a 'Please Review' note on Sakura's head- There. Good thing she's got enough space on that brow of her's.


End file.
